Its April Fool's Day and I'm ready with jokes, jokes, and more jokes! My favorite jokes and riddles to riddle your family and friends!
Must (all) of these came from the Readers Digest, except for the riddles.
A woman notices a man smoking and decides to educate him.
“How many packs of cigarettes do you smoke a day?” she asks.
“Three,” the man says.
“How much does each pack cost?”
“Around five dollars.”
“And how long have you been smoking?” the woman questions.
“Ten years, why do you ask?” he replies.
“Well, did you know that if you had saved all that money from cigarettes, you could’ve bought a Lamborghini by now?”
“Wow!” the man exclaims. “Do you smoke?”
“No,” the woman responds.
“Then where is your Lamborghini?”
- Readers Digest
Next one is a long but funny one for all those engineers out there: Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
“How are you going to travel on a single ticket?” asked the lawyers.
“Wait and watch,” answered the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked,
“Ticket please.”
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip. So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
“Wait and watch,” answered a calm engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said,
“Ticket please.”’
- Readers Digest
A patient complains to a famous psychologist:
"Professor, I've been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me."
The doctor asks: "Who's been treating you until now?"
The patient answers: "Dr Lal Rathor"
"I see. He's an idiot. I'm curious to know what he advised you to do."
Confused, the patient replies: "To come and see you!"
-Readers Digest
Doctor: “Nurse, did you take this patients temperature?”
Nurse: “Why, doctor? Is it missing?”
- Readers Digest
Late on night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me all your money!” the robber demands.
Indignant, the affluent man replies,
“You can’t do that – I am a politician!”
“In that case,” replies the robber, “give me my money!
- Readers Digest
The Duke of Gloucester, spoke at a luncheon in London: "A home accidents survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved either the top or the bottom step." This information was fed into a computer. When asked how accidents could be reduced, the computer answered: "Remove the top and bottom steps."
-Readers Digest
And a few riddles too:
A night watchman guards a woman's TV. One night he has a dream the TV was stolen. He tells the woman and gets fired. How come?
Answer: To have a dream, he must have been sleeping on the job!
A cowboy and his horse walk into a town on Friday. They stay two days. The cowboy leaves on Friday. How does he do it?
Answer: His horse is named Friday! :)
What sort of nails do handymen hate hitting?
Answer: Fingernails
Enjoy and don't forget to share with your friends and family!
Erin
A woman notices a man smoking and decides to educate him.
“How many packs of cigarettes do you smoke a day?” she asks.
“Three,” the man says.
“How much does each pack cost?”
“Around five dollars.”
“And how long have you been smoking?” the woman questions.
“Ten years, why do you ask?” he replies.
“Well, did you know that if you had saved all that money from cigarettes, you could’ve bought a Lamborghini by now?”
“Wow!” the man exclaims. “Do you smoke?”
“No,” the woman responds.
“Then where is your Lamborghini?”
- Readers Digest
Next one is a long but funny one for all those engineers out there: Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
“How are you going to travel on a single ticket?” asked the lawyers.
“Wait and watch,” answered the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked,
“Ticket please.”
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip. So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
“Wait and watch,” answered a calm engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said,
“Ticket please.”’
- Readers Digest
A patient complains to a famous psychologist:
"Professor, I've been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me."
The doctor asks: "Who's been treating you until now?"
The patient answers: "Dr Lal Rathor"
"I see. He's an idiot. I'm curious to know what he advised you to do."
Confused, the patient replies: "To come and see you!"
-Readers Digest
Doctor: “Nurse, did you take this patients temperature?”
Nurse: “Why, doctor? Is it missing?”
- Readers Digest
Late on night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me all your money!” the robber demands.
Indignant, the affluent man replies,
“You can’t do that – I am a politician!”
“In that case,” replies the robber, “give me my money!
- Readers Digest
The Duke of Gloucester, spoke at a luncheon in London: "A home accidents survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved either the top or the bottom step." This information was fed into a computer. When asked how accidents could be reduced, the computer answered: "Remove the top and bottom steps."
-Readers Digest
And a few riddles too:
A night watchman guards a woman's TV. One night he has a dream the TV was stolen. He tells the woman and gets fired. How come?
Answer: To have a dream, he must have been sleeping on the job!
A cowboy and his horse walk into a town on Friday. They stay two days. The cowboy leaves on Friday. How does he do it?
Answer: His horse is named Friday! :)
What sort of nails do handymen hate hitting?
Answer: Fingernails
Enjoy and don't forget to share with your friends and family!
Erin
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